Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts

Friday, December 20, 2013

Chapter 73: Safe and Sound

*AMY'S POV*


It has been a week since Mac's funeral and the mood at Zoey and T's is melancholy at best.

I haven't moved much this week.  Right after I talked to Michael, my body joined in the shit storm and started my period.

Even though I know there's no way I could be pregnant, I keep getting nauseous, and exhausted, and having a million other pregnancy symptoms.

This sucks...I feel like I'm going crazy and every time I feel like maybe I do have Mac's child growing inside of me, I want to jump for joy, but then I want to burst into tears because I know it's impossible.

How is it fair that the only thing that has brought me joy over these last several months had to be taken from me?


*ZOEY'S POV*


Terry and I still aren't talking.  It feels weird.  In all the time we have been together we have never fought like this.  It has been over a week and...nothing.


Every day I hear him come in from work sniffling like he has a cold, but I know he's not sick...and he sighs deeply.  I know his heart is breaking and I want more than anything to run to him and comfort him, but I know I can't help because I'm the reason for at least some of his sadness.


*TERRY'S POV*


Every time I see Zoey it hurts all over again.  I want this pain to stop so badly and I know having a child will make me feel better...but she is adamant about that not happening any time soon.


"I don't know why you want to have a kid anyway," AJ says when I tell him that Zoey and I have been fighting.
"I want to be a father," I say, "you know it's something I have wanted my entire life."
"Yeah, but why now?" AJ scratches his head.


"Why not?" I ask.
AJ just shrugs, "Mac just died man.  Maybe give yourself a little bit of time?"
"What for?" I ask, "If anything it will ease the pain a little right?  Bring a little joy back into our lives?"
AJ raises his eyebrows, "Whew...I'd hate to be your kid."
"Why's that?" I ask, getting a little angry at this line of questioning.
"That's a whole lot riding on a kid's shoulders," AJ says, "Well, little guy, it's your job to make Daddy happy because he lost his best friend."
"It's not like that..." I raise my voice.
"You just said it yourself man."
"No..." I start, but then stop.  Wait, did I say that?


We play pool in silence for awhile longer and by the end of the game, I still have no clue what to do about me and Zoey.  I want so badly to make up with her, but her not wanting to have a child with me feels like almost an insult, if that makes any sense.


"Maybe you and Z need some time apart," AJ says.
I raise my eyebrows.  The thought of separating is almost as bad as not having a baby.
"You mean a separation?" I ask.
"No, just some time and distance," AJ says, "you can come stay with me."
I shake my head, "I don't know man."

*ZOEY'S POV*


Terry and I haven't talked in days and I can't get him off my mind.


It's starting to get cold outside and I miss cuddling up to my husband.  I am usually freezing all the time and the cold has been even worse since he and I haven't been sleeping anywhere near close to each other in bed.

As I sit and continue to feel sorry for myself, I hear the front door open and the familiar sound of his heavy shoes hit the hard floor in the entry way.

"Vi?" I swear I hear him call out, but he couldn't have.  I haven't heard that sweet nickname from him in days.

"Vi?" I hear again.

I wake up from my haze and answer, "In here."

He walks in and starts to speak, "We need to talk."


I stand up and start to ramble in fragmented sentences, "I'm sorry honey...maybe...I don't know if I'm ready...we could try..."

Terry puts his hands up and stops me, "Hold on Vi, I have to say something."


"Ok," I sigh and silently wait for him to speak.

He shuffles around for a bit but then starts, "I've been wrong baby, I'm sorry."
"What?" Even though those are the words I have been waiting for, I can't believe I am hearing them.

"I'm sorry.  I know we aren't ready for a baby...I just...have been hurting so much." he says.
"I know and I want to help you through it..." I say.
"I know and I love you for it," he says.
"I just don't know what..." I start, but am interrupted.


I am interrupted by Terry wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in for a long, deep, passionate kiss.  I am so shocked it takes my breath away.


His kisses continue and we don't speak for the rest of the night, but finally I am able to sleep comfortably, enveloped in the warmth of my husband's arms, safe from the cold.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Chapter 72: Fix You

*ZOEY'S POV* 


"Wait...what?" I never have had a good poker face...and I have to make sure he said what I thought he did...I pray he didn't just say what I thought he did...

Then he has to go and repeat it.
"I think we should have a baby."

I take a deep breath in an attempt to give myself time to answer correctly.  As much as I will do anything I can to make this man happy, I am not ready to have a baby...and I don't think he is either.

"Well...uh..." I need more time but I don't have any.  My husband is looking at me excitedly and expectantly.  "Honey," I start, "I'm not so sure that's such a great idea."

He is crestfallen and I can tell.  I have never seen him like this and I don't really know what I'm doing, but I can't take the words back...even if I wanted to.

Nothing could prepare me for his reaction.


"Well why not?!" He yells.  Yells.
I have never so much as seen this man swat a fly and he's yelling at me.


His behavior is making me recoil from him and I am tempted to take it all back.  If it were anything else I probably would.

But I know I have to stand my ground on this one.

"I really don't think we're ready..." I start, but he explodes again.


"That's ridiculous!  Of course we're ready!" He continues to yell, "We both have great jobs, we have a house, we have money...what are you waiting for?!"


"First of all, I'm waiting for you to stop yelling at me," I start, "but before we make a decision to have a baby, I want to sit down with you and make out a plan...I don't want to just go for it..."
"That's usually how babies happen," he mutters and I ignore him.
"I'm just not ready to put my body through having a baby, and I'm not ready to put my writing on hold..."
"Who says you have to?" he asks.


"See, this is exactly why we're not ready.  You haven't even though about how intrusive having a baby will be." I say.

He rears back and I think he's going to yell again, but he doesn't say anything for awhile.


He sighs deeply before he speaks again, "Whatever, I'm just an insensitive bastard."
"That's not..." I start, but he is already backing up.
"No, I'm done talking about this.  I'm going to bed." he says and heads to our bedroom.

I debate yelling at him to sleep on the couch, but I don't want to waste my time.  

I just go sleep in the other extra bedroom.


The next morning Terry still isn't talking to me.  He spends the entire day in the bedroom.

I still have no idea what to do to make this better.

*AMY'S POV*


I wake up the day after Mac's funeral nauseous - as I have for the last couple of days.  I haven't actually taken a pregnancy test or anything, but I am certain I am pregnant.  This is exactly how I felt before.

After losing what little dinner I had last night, I decide today is the day to confirm my suspicions.


On the way to the drugstore, I see a little consignment shop geared toward babies, so I stop in and look around.


As crazy as this sounds, I am happier than I have been in days.  Even though I want Mac in my life, it makes me feel better knowing that I am always going to have a piece of him with me in the form of our child.

As I am looking, the sales clerk comes up to me, "Can I help you find anything?"
"No...I'm...um...just looking..." I say.
She gives me a knowing smile, "Is this your first?"
I smile widely and nod.

I leave the shop on cloud nine, excited that something good has come out of this shitty situation and head to the drugstore.


On the way home, I stop in at the local coffee shop and run into Mac's father.
Still excited about becoming a mother, I can't contain my excitement and I want to share it.

What an amazing gift for them - having a grandchild after losing their only son.  I can't possibly keep this to myself.


"Amy," he greets me with a knowing tone that is reserved for someone that has suffered a trauma a long with you.  It's as if he knows how much my heart is hurting.

Even though it still is, I am happy and I want to share my happiness with him.

"You look like you're doing well," Michael observes.
"Yes...actually...well, I actually have some good news." I start.
"Oh?  What would that be dear?" He asks.

I smile, "Well, I don't know for 100%, but...I am pregnant."


Michael looks shocked and doesn't say anything for a minute.
"Of course I want you all to be as much a part of this child's life as you can be..." I start yammering to fill the silence.
"Amy..." he interrupts, "are you sure?  Have you been to a doctor?"
"Well, not yet...but I just know," I say.
He looks concerned and I can't understand why.
"Amy, I hate to say this, but you being pregnant with Mac's baby is impossible." he says.


"Why?" I ask, confused.
"Mac had an accident as a child that left him infertile..." Michael takes a pin and pricks my bubble.
"But surely there's a chance..." I start to try to patch it.
"No honey, we went to a lot of doctors and they all told us the same thing.  Mac would never be able to father children."

POP!  Bubble officially burst.

I leave the coffee shop quickly as my hope - literally the only thing I have left in this world - is slowly chipped away.

When I get back to Zoey's I rush to the bathroom and take the test I bought.
After three minutes it confirms what Michael said.  

I'm not pregnant after all.


I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

I don't know if this is rock bottom, but it certainly feels that way.


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Chapter 68: If You Ain't Got Two Kids by 21 You're Probably Gonna Die Alone - Southern Rules

*AMY'S POV*


As much as I usually detest AJ, his idea to get out in the sun is a good one.  I'll be damned if I tell him that though.  He's cocky enough already.

"Ohhhhh yeah" just as soon as I'm about to let my eyes close peacefully, I am interrupted.
"What did I tell you?" I begin, "I would only come out here if you promised not to speak."
"That wasn't speaking," AJ protests, "that was just a moan of pure ecstasy."
"Don't make me gag..." I start.
"...actually it makes me sad that I have to tell you that..." he still speaks.
"Har har har," I reply.
"Just thought I would remind you...it's been awhile hasn't it?" he quips.

Ugh.  Why?  Why of all the people in my life AJ is the one that I am stuck with?  Well, I guess that's what happens when everyone takes off and either gets married or starts having babies.  

I really thought by now I would be in at least one of those categories.  The funny thing is I could do without getting married - I don't need an overgrown man child anyway - but I really want to be a mother.
I would like to say that the pain of losing Adam is gone.  I would like to say that I don't still sit up nights wondering what he's doing now, what he looks like, if he's walking, talking, laughing...if he's happy... 
It's amazing how such a little life can leave such a huge mark.
 I realize now that he was never mine to begin with and I should have known that from the start, but that realization doesn't make things any easier.

So where do I go from here?


My situation hasn't really changed.
Zoey is living in Butterfly Acres with Terry and just got done decorating their newly built house.  It's everything she has ever wanted and I couldn't be happier for her...I just miss her.

We've been talking about my moving there, but I don't want to leave my sisters just yet.  They might need me one of these days.

Speaking of my sisters, Rebecca is busy with Josh currently on one of those tours that their record labels love.  Apparently they are the new "it" couple in country music.  They recently bought a beautiful Mexican-styled house about a block away from me as their home base, but they are always gone and Brody is either with them or his dad.

Regardless, I don't get to see any of them enough.

As for Kelsey, she's been a busy one.  She still lives in the brownstone she used to share with her husband, now ex, Eddie.  Very soon after her divorce she had another little girl she named Melody, so she has two daughters now.  Two.  Two daughters and I can't even get one.  Well, I guess she's the lucky one.


If I sound bitter it's because I am.  I don't get to spend enough time with Kelsey either....
...in all honesty I'm probably avoiding her.  I found out she was pregnant again right after Randi left with Adam and even though I know it's not her fault and I would sooner take a bullet to the head than make her feel bad because she got to have a baby and I didn't, me and my broken head did not handle her pregnancy well.

Yeah, I know life isn't fair, but I just want it to swing in my favor at least once in awhile.
I guess that's too much to ask.

If I want a baby I know I can go the sperm donor route and honestly I'm not sure why I haven't already done it.
I've talked about it with my dad and my grandfather and they both adamantly oppose me trying to get pregnant without a husband.  
Why?
I'm really not sure, but for some reason it's better to get accidentally knocked up when you're not married than actually trying to have a baby when you're settled and ready but single.
*Sigh*  Another one of those "Rules of the South" that make no sense.
I have also discovered that I am considered an old maid, having never been married at my age according to southern rules.  Frig.


Of course all these rules don't really apply to men.  As long as they have a job and are generally good at yard work they're fine.  They can always marry a young woman to pop out a dozen babies and keep their house at any age.  How is that fair?

Either way, AJ is apparently taking full advantage of this double standard.  He works - even though it's as a waiter and only for tips he gets by.

Ultimately he is still AJ.

When he's not working or picking up women, he occupies the rest of his time by irritating me and fulfilling his manly duties by keeping the yard nice and gardening.  I'm not sure what benefit he gets from getting on my nerves other than entertainment, but he says gardening relaxes him and I'm not one to turn down fresh produce.  It's summer time right now, so I'm anxious to get tomatoes, summer squash, and whatever else he can get to grow.

Oh Lordy, I guess by now it's obvious that I'm pretty bitter.  I don't know how it happened, but I figure I just need to let it run its course and see if it doesn't get better...eventually.


I tell Kelsey my theory about "Southern Rules" and how I have apparently broken them all by being more concerned with getting us all out of poverty than getting married and having a family.

She was pretty speechless.


*KELSEY'S POV*


I am really starting to worry about Sis.  She never answers her phone when I call her, she hardly ever shows up when Rebecca's in town and we have family dinners, and when she does she sits around bitching and ranting about the weirdest things.

I mean, we're all crazy sarcastic bitches and I love that about us, but I think she's finally gone off the deep end.

I can't help but think that it's partially my fault...well, maybe fault isn't the right word, but she has acted differently toward me ever since I told her I was pregnant with Melody.

I would normally have told her who Melody's father is - remember?  My nephew's father?  Rebecca's ex-boyfriend and baby daddy?  If Melody wasn't such a blessing in my life that would really mess me up.

I mostly just don't think about it.

Of course Richard doesn't know and he's smart enough (or stupid enough?) to just shut up about how odd it is that I had a baby after we hooked up.

Yeah, all this has pretty much made me decide that it's time to grow the fuck up.

Having two little girls, that's not really a problem.  Ivy and Melody both keep me massively busy.
Thankfully I don't have to go back to work until Melody starts school.

Either way, after meeting with "Crazy Sissy" I am even more concerned.


"...and she just kept going on and on about being a Southern Old Maid...what the hell is she talking about?" I tell AJ.  I decided that because he's rooming with her maybe he has some insight.
He shrugs, "She never really talks to me."
"Do you make an effort?" I ask.
"I try to get her out, off the couch...I know she has changed since Zoey moved away...and ever since that bitch changed her mind about her baby..." he tells me.

I look down.  I can't help but feel guilty and angry at the same time.  How can my sister make me feel so guilty when I'm supposed to be blissfully happy right now?  But how can I be so blissfully happy when she's hurting?  I sigh.  It's not like I did it to hurt her.  

The only thing I did was get accidentally pregnant...and not with her ex-boyfriend...hmph.  If anyone should be mad at me it should be Rebecca...but we're not going to talk about that.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks.
"I don't know..." I reply.
"Ya' know, I could always bring out Dr. Love...might cheer her right up," he sneers.
I punch him.

Not hard and in the arm, but I think we can all agree that he actually deserves a swift kick to the nuts.

"Yeah, look will you just try and be nice to her?" I ask him.
"She'll be suspicious if I do that," he says rubbing his arm.
I glare at him, "Well at least try to get her out of the house?  Maybe get her to make some friends or something?"
"Why don't you take her out?" he asks.
"BECAUSE SHE'S MAD AT ME BECAUSE I HAVE BABIES!" I shout at him.  Judging from the surprised look he's giving me that was probably an overreaction.

His mouth sits agape for a second before he answers, "I will never understand women."

"Believe me, it isn't any clearer on this side," I tell him before I go.


*AJ'S POV*


How in the hell am I supposed to handle a crazy woman?  I thought Amy was kind of nutty when I first met her, but now she's really gone off the edge and damned if I know what to do.

Her sisters leave her alone and Zoey is with T in the BA.  

So it's all on me.  Thanks guys.

Maybe I should get her to...

Wait, this is Amy we're talking about...getting her to do anything is like trying to get a steak away from a rottweiler.

Good Lord, that woman is frustrating.


It's not like she hasn't tried to get out of her funk...she tried to take up painting...buuut...she pretty much sucks at it...


So I take her out with me and she slams maybe four vodka shots in the first five minutes we're there and I think she's having a good time dancing with this dude...maybe she'll even take him home, getting a little action might cheer her right up...I know it always does for me.


Of course this isn't the face of a woman having a good time.  She looks like she's bored...or trying not to puke from drinking too much too fast.


So I head to the bar to think...and drink...and maybe flirt with the cute bartender...

Hey, just because she's lost her marbles doesn't mean I can't have a little companionship.

Wait...that makes me think of something.  So I get out my phone.


"Dude, I need your help with something." I start.


*AMY'S POV*

On the morning of the fourth of July party AJ convinced me to throw I am abruptly awoken by screaming obscenities coming from outside...

"What the hell?" I ask myself as I get out of bed and run to the window.


Outside I see AJ yelling and cussing up a storm.
He's read in the face so obviously he's really mad.

I listen a little closer to see what his problem is and I hear,
"M....F....DEER!  KEEP THE HELL OUT OF MY GARDEN!  IF YOU COME BACK I'M COOKING YOU FOR DINNER!!!"


Then he walks back to where his garden is on the side of the house.  I can see where something has eaten a couple of his plants and he's standing in front of them pissed as hell...

I can't help but chuckle.  I know he's really mad and I shouldn't laugh, but damned if he doesn't crack me up when he's pissed off.

...and I seem to remember telling him he needed to build a fence around his garden, but did he listen?  No.  This makes me laugh even more.

I laugh all the way back to my room and change into my bathing suit for the party.

When I get downstairs AJ is in the kitchen grumbling.


"You okay?" I ask him innocently.

All I get in response is a jumbled response, "Nothin...g-d it...effin' deer...gonna take me all day...wanna kill that asshole..."

I raise my eyebrows and continue with the innocent act, "What happened?"

He finally looks at me and reminds me so much of a little boy having a tantrum I almost can't keep the smile from showing up on my face.

"Effin' deer got in my garden," he replies, "I chased him away."


I scoff and roll my eyes.  I'm sure he and his manly manliness chased that deer off.  
"What?!" he sort of shouts at me.
"Nothing," I say barely stifling my laughter.
"No, whatever you're going to say just say it," he apparently wants to pick a fight.  Okay, game on.

"Nothing, it's just that...didn't I tell you that you probably needed to build a fence to keep critters out?" I ask.

If I know anything about men they hate two things: 1) derogatory comments about their hair, favorite sports team, or penis size and 2) they hate when someone knows a little more about something than they do.

Funny thing is I couldn't grow a weed in a rain forest but my grandfather is a farmer and he fenced everything he had.

"I don't need no damn fence...!" he starts shouting.
I interrupt, "Well obviously you do because a deer got into your garden."
"Well, I didn't need one until now," he fumes, "it's probably deer season or something."
"Yeah, I'm sure that's it..." I say sarcastically but he's heading out the door.
I call after him, "Where are you going?"
"To build an G-D fence," he yells back.

Hmph.  Men.


Our party ends up being kind of fun.  The college co-ed AJ has been seeing lately and her brother are the only ones that show up, but it was still fun.  We play music, drink, and fix hot dogs on the grill.

Later in the afternoon, AJ yells at me, "Hey, I think I hear someone at the door!"
"So go answer it!" I yell back.
"I'm busy," he says.

I roll my eyes and walk around the side of the house.  He's such a lazy ass.

As I walk up to the door I see a police officer standing there and start to freak out.

"Can I help you officer?" I ask, already worried.


A familiar voice answers me, "Only if you can tell me where I can find the most amazing woman I have ever met."

"Mac?"


Sure enough, it's my ex-boyfriend...the one that moved to Bridgeport and had to break up with me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him.
"Well, I was thinking about some things..." he starts.
"Yeah?" I encourage him.
"And...well..." he continues.

As I expect him to answer he leans forward...


...and begins to kiss me.