Chapter 68: If You Ain't Got Two Kids by 21 You're Probably Gonna Die Alone - Southern Rules

*AMY'S POV*

As much as I usually detest AJ, his idea to get out in the sun is a good one.  I'll be damned if I tell him that though.  He's cocky enough already.

"Ohhhhh yeah" just as soon as I'm about to let my eyes close peacefully, I am interrupted.

"What did I tell you?" I begin, "I would only come out here if you promised not to speak."

"That wasn't speaking," AJ protests, "that was just a moan of pure ecstasy."

"Don't make me gag..." I start.

"...actually it makes me sad that I have to tell you that..." he still speaks.

"Har har har," I reply.

"Just thought I would remind you...it's been awhile hasn't it?" he quips.

Ugh.  Why?  Why of all the people in my life AJ is the one that I am stuck with?  Well, I guess that's what happens when everyone takes off and either gets married or starts having babies.  

I really thought by now I would be in at least one of those categories.  The funny thing is I could do without getting married - I don't need an overgrown man child anyway - but I really want to be a mother.

I would like to say that the pain of losing Adam is gone.  I would like to say that I don't still sit up nights wondering what he's doing now, what he looks like, if he's walking, talking, laughing...if he's happy... 

It's amazing how such a little life can leave such a huge mark.

 I realize now that he was never mine to begin with and I should have known that from the start, but that realization doesn't make things any easier.

So where do I go from here?

My situation hasn't really changed.

Zoey is living in Butterfly Acres with Terry and just got done decorating their newly built house.  It's everything she has ever wanted and I couldn't be happier for her...I just miss her.

We've been talking about my moving there, but I don't want to leave my sisters just yet.  They might need me one of these days.

Speaking of my sisters, Rebecca is busy with Josh currently on one of those tours that their record labels love.  Apparently they are the new "it" couple in country music.  They recently bought a beautiful Mexican-styled house about a block away from me as their home base, but they are always gone and Brody is either with them or his dad.

Regardless, I don't get to see any of them enough.

As for Kelsey, she's been a busy one.  She still lives in the brownstone she used to share with her husband, now ex, Eddie.  Very soon after her divorce she had another little girl she named Melody, so she has two daughters now.  Two.  Two daughters and I can't even get one.  Well, I guess she's the lucky one.

If I sound bitter it's because I am.  I don't get to spend enough time with Kelsey either....

...in all honesty I'm probably avoiding her.  I found out she was pregnant again right after Randi left with Adam and even though I know it's not her fault and I would sooner take a bullet to the head than make her feel bad because she got to have a baby and I didn't, me and my broken head did not handle her pregnancy well.

Yeah, I know life isn't fair, but I just want it to swing in my favor at least once in awhile.

I guess that's too much to ask.

If I want a baby I know I can go the sperm donor route and honestly I'm not sure why I haven't already done it.

I've talked about it with my dad and my grandfather and they both adamantly oppose me trying to get pregnant without a husband.  

Why?

I'm really not sure, but for some reason it's better to get accidentally knocked up when you're not married than actually trying to have a baby when you're settled and ready but single.

*Sigh*  Another one of those "Rules of the South" that make no sense.

I have also discovered that I am considered an old maid, having never been married at my age according to southern rules.  Frig.

Of course all these rules don't really apply to men.  As long as they have a job and are generally good at yard work they're fine.  They can always marry a young woman to pop out a dozen babies and keep their house at any age.  How is that fair?

Either way, AJ is apparently taking full advantage of this double standard.  He works - even though it's as a waiter and only for tips he gets by.

Ultimately he is still AJ.

When he's not working or picking up women, he occupies the rest of his time by irritating me and fulfilling his manly duties by keeping the yard nice and gardening.  I'm not sure what benefit he gets from getting on my nerves other than entertainment, but he says gardening relaxes him and I'm not one to turn down fresh produce.  It's summer time right now, so I'm anxious to get tomatoes, summer squash, and whatever else he can get to grow.

Oh Lordy, I guess by now it's obvious that I'm pretty bitter.  I don't know how it happened, but I figure I just need to let it run its course and see if it doesn't get better...eventually.

I tell Kelsey my theory about "Southern Rules" and how I have apparently broken them all by being more concerned with getting us all out of poverty than getting married and having a family.

She was pretty speechless.

*KELSEY'S POV*

I am really starting to worry about Sis.  She never answers her phone when I call her, she hardly ever shows up when Rebecca's in town and we have family dinners, and when she does she sits around bitching and ranting about the weirdest things.

I mean, we're all crazy sarcastic bitches and I love that about us, but I think she's finally gone off the deep end.

I can't help but think that it's partially my fault...well, maybe fault isn't the right word, but she has acted differently toward me ever since I told her I was pregnant with Melody.

I would normally have told her who Melody's father is - remember?  My nephew's father?  Rebecca's ex-boyfriend and baby daddy?  If Melody wasn't such a blessing in my life that would really mess me up.

I mostly just don't think about it.

Of course Richard doesn't know and he's smart enough (or stupid enough?) to just shut up about how odd it is that I had a baby after we hooked up.

Yeah, all this has pretty much made me decide that it's time to grow the fuck up.

Having two little girls, that's not really a problem.  Ivy and Melody both keep me massively busy.

Thankfully I don't have to go back to work until Melody starts school.

Either way, after meeting with "Crazy Sissy" I am even more concerned.

"...and she just kept going on and on about being a Southern Old Maid...what the hell is she talking about?" I tell AJ.  I decided that because he's rooming with her maybe he has some insight.

He shrugs, "She never really talks to me."

"Do you make an effort?" I ask.

"I try to get her out, off the couch...I know she has changed since Zoey moved away...and ever since that bitch changed her mind about her baby..." he tells me.

I look down.  I can't help but feel guilty and angry at the same time.  How can my sister make me feel so guilty when I'm supposed to be blissfully happy right now?  But how can I be so blissfully happy when she's hurting?  I sigh.  It's not like I did it to hurt her.  

The only thing I did was get accidentally pregnant...and not with her ex-boyfriend...hmph.  If anyone should be mad at me it should be Rebecca...but we're not going to talk about that.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks.

"I don't know..." I reply.

"Ya' know, I could always bring out Dr. Love...might cheer her right up," he sneers.

I punch him.

Not hard and in the arm, but I think we can all agree that he actually deserves a swift kick to the nuts.

"Yeah, look will you just try and be nice to her?" I ask him.

"She'll be suspicious if I do that," he says rubbing his arm.

I glare at him, "Well at least try to get her out of the house?  Maybe get her to make some friends or something?"

"Why don't you take her out?" he asks.

"BECAUSE SHE'S MAD AT ME BECAUSE I HAVE BABIES!" I shout at him.  Judging from the surprised look he's giving me that was probably an overreaction.

His mouth sits agape for a second before he answers, "I will never understand women."

"Believe me, it isn't any clearer on this side," I tell him before I go.

*AJ'S POV*

How in the hell am I supposed to handle a crazy woman?  I thought Amy was kind of nutty when I first met her, but now she's really gone off the edge and damned if I know what to do.

Her sisters leave her alone and Zoey is with T in the BA.  

So it's all on me.  Thanks guys.

Maybe I should get her to...

Wait, this is Amy we're talking about...getting her to do anything is like trying to get a steak away from a rottweiler.

Good Lord, that woman is frustrating.

It's not like she hasn't tried to get out of her funk...she tried to take up painting...buuut...she pretty much sucks at it...

So I take her out with me and she slams maybe four vodka shots in the first five minutes we're there and I think she's having a good time dancing with this dude...maybe she'll even take him home, getting a little action might cheer her right up...I know it always does for me.

Of course this isn't the face of a woman having a good time.  She looks like she's bored...or trying not to puke from drinking too much too fast.

So I head to the bar to think...and drink...and maybe flirt with the cute bartender...

Hey, just because she's lost her marbles doesn't mean I can't have a little companionship.

Wait...that makes me think of something.  So I get out my phone.

"Dude, I need your help with something." I start.

*AMY'S POV*

On the morning of the fourth of July party AJ convinced me to throw I am abruptly awoken by screaming obscenities coming from outside...

"What the hell?" I ask myself as I get out of bed and run to the window.

Outside I see AJ yelling and cussing up a storm.

He's read in the face so obviously he's really mad.

I listen a little closer to see what his problem is and I hear,

"M....F....DEER!  KEEP THE HELL OUT OF MY GARDEN!  IF YOU COME BACK I'M COOKING YOU FOR DINNER!!!"

Then he walks back to where his garden is on the side of the house.  I can see where something has eaten a couple of his plants and he's standing in front of them pissed as hell...

I can't help but chuckle.  I know he's really mad and I shouldn't laugh, but damned if he doesn't crack me up when he's pissed off.

...and I seem to remember telling him he needed to build a fence around his garden, but did he listen?  No.  This makes me laugh even more.

I laugh all the way back to my room and change into my bathing suit for the party.

When I get downstairs AJ is in the kitchen grumbling.

"You okay?" I ask him innocently.

All I get in response is a jumbled response, "Nothin...g-d it...effin' deer...gonna take me all day...wanna kill that asshole..."

I raise my eyebrows and continue with the innocent act, "What happened?"

He finally looks at me and reminds me so much of a little boy having a tantrum I almost can't keep the smile from showing up on my face.

"Effin' deer got in my garden," he replies, "I chased him away."

I scoff and roll my eyes.  I'm sure he and his manly manliness chased that deer off.  

"What?!" he sort of shouts at me.

"Nothing," I say barely stifling my laughter.

"No, whatever you're going to say just say it," he apparently wants to pick a fight.  Okay, game on.

"Nothing, it's just that...didn't I tell you that you probably needed to build a fence to keep critters out?" I ask.

If I know anything about men they hate two things: 1) derogatory comments about their hair, favorite sports team, or penis size and 2) they hate when someone knows a little more about something than they do.

Funny thing is I couldn't grow a weed in a rain forest but my grandfather is a farmer and he fenced everything he had.

"I don't need no damn fence...!" he starts shouting.

I interrupt, "Well obviously you do because a deer got into your garden."

"Well, I didn't need one until now," he fumes, "it's probably deer season or something."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it..." I say sarcastically but he's heading out the door.

I call after him, "Where are you going?"

"To build an G-D fence," he yells back.

Hmph.  Men.

Our party ends up being kind of fun.  The college co-ed AJ has been seeing lately and her brother are the only ones that show up, but it was still fun.  We play music, drink, and fix hot dogs on the grill.

Later in the afternoon, AJ yells at me, "Hey, I think I hear someone at the door!"

"So go answer it!" I yell back.

"I'm busy," he says.

I roll my eyes and walk around the side of the house.  He's such a lazy ass.

As I walk up to the door I see a police officer standing there and start to freak out.

"Can I help you officer?" I ask, already worried.

A familiar voice answers me, "Only if you can tell me where I can find the most amazing woman I have ever met."

"Mac?"

Sure enough, it's my ex-boyfriend...the one that moved to Bridgeport and had to break up with me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him.

"Well, I was thinking about some things..." he starts.

"Yeah?" I encourage him.

"And...well..." he continues.

As I expect him to answer he leans forward...

...and begins to kiss me.