Chapter 71: Probably Wouldn't Be This Way

*AMY'S POV*

It has been three days since I got the news.  Three days.  I have had three days of waiting at home to pack...and wait for AJ to get his shit together.  

The first time I'm going to Butterfly Acres - my fiance's hometown - and it's to bury him.

The call I received was I am sure the worst fear for spouses of cops.  Of course, I will never have that title.

Spouse...wife...of a cop...or at all.

The chief of police called me first because I was listed as Mac's "ICE" person on his phone.  From that point, I suggested that they send police officers to his parents' house.  I had never even spoke with them and I didn't want the first thing out of my mouth to be that their son was killed in some kind of undercover drug take-down.

When I told AJ this he made a joke.  A joke.  Who the hell can make a joke at a time like this?  He said, "Sounds like the only thing taken down was him."

Yeah, what a sweetheart.

I don't think I have slept or stopped crying in these three days and now AJ and I are arriving in Butterfly Acres just in time for Mac's memorial service.  It has been three hours in a car with him and I want to scream.

We fought the whole way and we're still fighting.  AJ has some crazy idea that Mac would get a big kick out of someone dressing up like the grim reaper and showing up at the funeral.

"Are you absolutely insane?!" I scream as we get out of the car.

"Hey, I was just joking," he replies, "Lighten up!"

"How can you joke right now?  Don't you care that your best friend is dead?!"  I start screaming again and he rears back, shocked.

"Hold on just a second..." he starts but I interrupt him.

"Some kind of friend you are," I continue, "he isn't even in the ground and you're making jokes."

Then the fecal matter hit the rotating wind-creating device, as they say.

Up to this point AJ had shown no emotion whatsoever about the passing of his friend, at least not to me.

"Who the hell do you think you are passing judgment on me?!" He screams just as loud.

The expression on his face with so much anger...and this is AJ, Mr. Hothead, that we're talking about.  I am used to watching him blow his gasket over this, that, or the other.

"Just because I don't spend hours on the phone with people crying and wallowing and feeling sorry for myself doesn't mean I'm not upset.  Mac, T, and I were best friends way before any of you bitches came along and if it were up to me, neither of you would be in the picture."  He rants.

I glare at him, "Well, gee thanks, so you're not happy and you don't want happiness for your friends?  Yeah, you're really proving to me what a good friend you are."

He glares right back and replies, "Look, I'm gonna cut you some slack because I know you're upset, but I don't want you taking your shit out on me, got it?"

"Whatever," I reply, which we all know is just another way of saying "F---- you".

"Yeah, whatever," he repeats what I said, "So where are you staying?"

I hadn't really thought that far ahead.  Apparently I have a lot of options.  AJ did open his home to me - or at least his parent's old home, but I don't know if I want to stay with him.  Mac's parents offered to let me stay at their house because even though Mac's older sisters are in town, there is another bed I can sleep in.

Finally, Zoey and Terry offered to let me stay in their new house or at Pops, Terry's dad's.  Of all of them, Z's sounds the best, but we don't really have time to go there before the memorial service at Mac's parents' house, so I go inside and get ready.

When we are ready, the house is literally across the street and then across another street.  When they said they grew up together, they weren't kidding.

We get there and AJ just walks in.  Even though I would have rather had some time to gain my composure, I follow him.

"Now, where is the bar?" AJ asks aloud.

"Could you try to not be you for maybe an hour today?" I ask bitingly.

I look around and see an older woman standing in front of a table crying.  She is soon joined by a blonde-haired man who looks over and nods, then begins to walk over.

The man greets me, "You must be Mac's wi...fi...gir...  You must be Amy."

For some reason listening to my various titles being chosen and then disregarded as inappropriate makes me feel like they are being stripped away.  Tears begin to flow and all I can do is nod.

The man puts his arm on mine, I look into his eyes and see Mac.  This has to be his father.

"I'm sorry dear, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, even under these circumstances.  My name is Michael Cunningham.  I'm Mac's father."  Michael introduces himself and confirms my assumption.

"Oh, of course.  I'm just sorry we couldn't have met earlier," I start to make excuses, "Mac and I talked about making the trip here, but with his job and Bridgeport being so far away from Butterfly Acres, we never found the time..."

Everything I am saying just sounds like an even worse excuse and I feel like I'm just making matters worse, so I stop talking.

"Tell you what," he replies, "all is forgiven if I can get a hug."

I smile as I realize that he has the same ability to put me at ease that Mac did.

"Seems like a small price," I say.

He shrugs and opens his arms, "Looks like you might need one as much as I do."

As he hugs me, I lay my head on his shoulder and feel his small frame wrap around me and I can't help but think of Mac.  Even though Mac has many of his mother's darker features, he resembles his father so much.  His body type is exactly the same and if I close my eyes I can pretend - for just a moment - that Mac is the one holding me.

He pulls away too quickly unfortunately, "There, that's maybe a little better."

I sniffle, "You remind me a lot of Mac...I...I..."

The words aren't there.  I want to tell him just how much his son has meant to me.  How happy he made me in the short time we were together and how he brought me back to life when I didn't even think that was possible.

I look at Michael and realize his eyes are glistening as he says, "He was so excited to introduce us to you.  He loved you very much."

That does absolutely no good in my quest to gain my composure, so even though I am shaking, tears are falling, and I am sniffling in an attempt to not become a snotty mess, I nod my head and smile, managing to get something out, "Me too."

Michael goes on, "Oh, please come in and make yourself at home.  Mac's mother and sister are in the living room.  I am sure they would like to meet you."

I walk into the living room where the woman that was crying before is sitting in front of the television and another woman is sitting behind her at a computer screen.

The younger woman looks up when I walk into the room and flashes me a stunning smile, "Hi, Amy, right?  I'm Ashleigh."

From what Mac has told me, Ashleigh is his second older sister.  He also has an even older sister Rosanna and a younger sister, Libby.

The older woman looks up and speaks in a soft-spoken tone that I struggle to hear, "Hello Amy.  I'm Mac's mother, Carnie.  Please sit down."

I sit down beside Mac's mother but do nothing more.  Ashleigh has gone back to whatever has her attention on the computer and Carnie is looking at me expectantly.

Finally, because I can think of nothing else, I say, "I'm sorry."

Carnie looks contemplative before she speaks, "I'm sorry too."

We sit for another few minutes before I decide to get up and walk around.  I see Zoey and Terry and Mac's other sisters.  I have no idea where AJ is, but I didn't take him to raise, so he's not my problem. 

Suddenly I find myself alone in the front room, where Mac's ashes are on display.

"Why? Why would you come back into my life just to leave so quickly?  I hope you know leaving me here to deal with all this on my own isn't fair."

"Sometimes I talk to him too," a voice from behind me interrupts my conversation.

I turn around, shocked and embarrassed.  

I turn right into his oldest older sister, Rosanna.  

"Oh wow, that's embarrassing..." I stammer.

She gives me a gentle smile that reminds me once again of my deceased fiance and replies, "No, it's okay.  Sometimes I talk to him and I swear I can hear his voice answer me."

She goes on by mimicking Mac perfectly, "Quit bawling, Sis, it's no big deal."

We both laugh.

Tears again fill my eyes as we share our memories.  It's sad when even laughing hurts.

*ZOEY'S POV*

Well, we survived the memorial service and funeral and Amy came directly back to my house and got into her pajamas.  I don't know how long she plans on staying, but I hope I can convince her to move here.  There is really no reason for her to go back.

Either way, I put my badgering on hold to make sure she is okay.  I don't really know what to do at this point.  I wasn't as close to Mac, but my husband and my best friend are both devastated.  Terry has tried to be stoic as he always is, but I know he has to be hurting.  God, if something like this ever happened to Amy...whew, I can't even think about it.

"How is Terry holding up?" Amy takes a break from crying for a minute.

I shrug, "Time will tell I suppose.  He seems okay, but..."

My voice trails off as she nods and says, "Yeah, I get that."

She's quiet again for a few minutes, then continues, "It was nice to meet everyone today...and the service was nice, even though..."

I nod and agree, "Yes, it was."

"Well, I hope you know you can stay here as long as you want...a few days, weeks, forever...whatever you want."  I can't help myself, I really can't.

"Um...well...I don't really know what I'm going to be doing...I..." she stammers.

I look at her with concern, "What is it?"

She looks at me with tears in her eyes once more and says, "I think I might be pregnant."

*A FEW MINUTES LATER*

*ZOEY'S POV*

After leaving Amy's room after picking my jaw up off the floor I come downstairs to my husband quickly wiping tears out of his eyes.

I briefly think about whether or not discuss it or not.

"How are you doing honey?" I ask him.

I have really never seen him so broken and I don't know what to do.  I want to fix this, but I know I can't.

"I'm ok Vi," he says, "Just...I don't know."

"Okay...I don't know what to say to make it better, so I guess that means I can't, but whenever you need me, I'll be here." I tell him.  I figure that's the best I can do.

He looks up at me with a smile I haven't seen in days, "Actually baby, there is something..."

"What is it?" I ask.

I would eat a raw robin's egg at this point to see him smile like that, so I know anything he wants from me I have to make happen.

He takes a deep breath and says, "I think we should have a baby."

For the second time tonight, my jaw hits the floor.