Friday, December 20, 2013

Chapter 73: Safe and Sound


It has been a week since Mac's funeral and the mood at Zoey and T's is melancholy at best.

I haven't moved much this week.  Right after I talked to Michael, my body joined in the shit storm and started my period.

Even though I know there's no way I could be pregnant, I keep getting nauseous, and exhausted, and having a million other pregnancy symptoms.

This sucks...I feel like I'm going crazy and every time I feel like maybe I do have Mac's child growing inside of me, I want to jump for joy, but then I want to burst into tears because I know it's impossible.

How is it fair that the only thing that has brought me joy over these last several months had to be taken from me?


Terry and I still aren't talking.  It feels weird.  In all the time we have been together we have never fought like this.  It has been over a week and...nothing.

Every day I hear him come in from work sniffling like he has a cold, but I know he's not sick...and he sighs deeply.  I know his heart is breaking and I want more than anything to run to him and comfort him, but I know I can't help because I'm the reason for at least some of his sadness.


Every time I see Zoey it hurts all over again.  I want this pain to stop so badly and I know having a child will make me feel better...but she is adamant about that not happening any time soon.

"I don't know why you want to have a kid anyway," AJ says when I tell him that Zoey and I have been fighting.
"I want to be a father," I say, "you know it's something I have wanted my entire life."
"Yeah, but why now?" AJ scratches his head.

"Why not?" I ask.
AJ just shrugs, "Mac just died man.  Maybe give yourself a little bit of time?"
"What for?" I ask, "If anything it will ease the pain a little right?  Bring a little joy back into our lives?"
AJ raises his eyebrows, "Whew...I'd hate to be your kid."
"Why's that?" I ask, getting a little angry at this line of questioning.
"That's a whole lot riding on a kid's shoulders," AJ says, "Well, little guy, it's your job to make Daddy happy because he lost his best friend."
"It's not like that..." I raise my voice.
"You just said it yourself man."
"No..." I start, but then stop.  Wait, did I say that?

We play pool in silence for awhile longer and by the end of the game, I still have no clue what to do about me and Zoey.  I want so badly to make up with her, but her not wanting to have a child with me feels like almost an insult, if that makes any sense.

"Maybe you and Z need some time apart," AJ says.
I raise my eyebrows.  The thought of separating is almost as bad as not having a baby.
"You mean a separation?" I ask.
"No, just some time and distance," AJ says, "you can come stay with me."
I shake my head, "I don't know man."


Terry and I haven't talked in days and I can't get him off my mind.

It's starting to get cold outside and I miss cuddling up to my husband.  I am usually freezing all the time and the cold has been even worse since he and I haven't been sleeping anywhere near close to each other in bed.

As I sit and continue to feel sorry for myself, I hear the front door open and the familiar sound of his heavy shoes hit the hard floor in the entry way.

"Vi?" I swear I hear him call out, but he couldn't have.  I haven't heard that sweet nickname from him in days.

"Vi?" I hear again.

I wake up from my haze and answer, "In here."

He walks in and starts to speak, "We need to talk."

I stand up and start to ramble in fragmented sentences, "I'm sorry honey...maybe...I don't know if I'm ready...we could try..."

Terry puts his hands up and stops me, "Hold on Vi, I have to say something."

"Ok," I sigh and silently wait for him to speak.

He shuffles around for a bit but then starts, "I've been wrong baby, I'm sorry."
"What?" Even though those are the words I have been waiting for, I can't believe I am hearing them.

"I'm sorry.  I know we aren't ready for a baby...I just...have been hurting so much." he says.
"I know and I want to help you through it..." I say.
"I know and I love you for it," he says.
"I just don't know what..." I start, but am interrupted.

I am interrupted by Terry wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in for a long, deep, passionate kiss.  I am so shocked it takes my breath away.

His kisses continue and we don't speak for the rest of the night, but finally I am able to sleep comfortably, enveloped in the warmth of my husband's arms, safe from the cold.

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