Chapter 48: You Say Tom-ay-to, I Say Tom-ah-to, Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

*REBECCA'S POV*

"Going to the chapel and I'm...gonna get mar-a-aried...going to the chapel and I'm gonna get ma-a-aried..."

Yeah, I'm humming to myself.

"Gee, I really love you and I'm..."

I'm kidding myself.

Yeah, Bec, you've really stepped in it this time.

Last night...well, you all can guess what happened last night...Josh and I...yeah...I don't know what I'm going to do.  I love Lukas, but I am so in love with Josh...it's an earth-shattering, spine-tingling love...Lukas it's maybe earth-denting, spine-buzzing...and that's a maybe.

"Becca-boo!" Amy calls to me, "You're going to be late for your own wedding,"

I sigh.  I look perfect.  Hair and makeup are done perfectly, but I feel awful.  I'm not exactly showing up with bells on.

We get in the limo and Zoey and Amy look gorgeous.  They are in the simple bridesmaids dresses I chose for them and their hair is up in a bun with a bow, their earrings and bracelets are on and they're chattering away.  They wouldn't make such a big mess of their lives, would they?

"Bec, I have a grievance," Amy starts, "I can't keep my legs together in this dress..."

"Uh-huh,"

"Damn, are you nervous?" Zoey asks, "There was a joke, perfectly laid out for you and you didn't take it."

"Uh-huh,"

Amy looks at me concerned, "Spill, what did you do?"

"Nothing," I insist.

Something.

I continue, "I'm just nervous."

Because I slept with my ex-boyfriend.

"And excited,"

Liar.

Yeah, that's what I've come to.  I have to marry Lukas.  He's a doctor, he's got direction, he makes good money, my mom likes him, I can be taken care of...

But then there's Josh...

"Where in the holy hell is this place?" Zoey asks, breaking me out of my fog.

"I told you," Amy says.

I laugh but reply, "It's up in the mountains."

"What mountain?  Mt. Olympus?" she asks, "I think I feel the atmosphere getting thinner."

"We're almost there," Amy looks out the window.

"How can you tell?" Zoey asks, "Can you tell one tree from another?"

Just as Amy said, we pull up past one more turn and we're there.

We are walking in the door just as people start arriving.

My dad and Jake come in first.

"There's my little angel-faced girl, getting married!" my dad exclaims, clearly excited.

"Hi Daddy," I smile, hugging him.

"Are you excited, girl?" He asks.

"Yeah," Cue fake smile.

He looks concerned.  "What's wrong?"

I should have known I can't keep anything from my father.  He's always been good at telling exactly what's on my mind.  At least I can still play it off.

"I'm just nervous."

Lukas is already here and waiting to get going...

I head into the dressing room to make some "touch-ups" aka freak the hell out some more.

While I'm standing there, I look out the window and see another blue vision in the form of Kelsey heading toward the church.  I run out to meet her.

"Hey, aren't ushers supposed to be greeting people?" she asks when I come up to her.

"Something happened, I need to talk to you..."

"Aren't we late for the wedding?  Shouldn't it be starting about now?" Kelsey asks me.

It's true, the wedding should have started by now, but I can't get married with all this on my mind.

"I did something," I stare at Kelsey.

"Oh no, what?" She asks expectantly.

"Know how I went to Josh's last night?" I start.

"You didn't..." She looks shocked, "Did you sleep with him?"

"Damn, Kels, do you really think that badly of me?" I am hurt.  I know I did sleep with him, but that's beside the point.

She gives me a look like she's reading my mind, "Well, did you?"

"Yeah...but that's not the point...you shouldn't just automatically think I'm a whore." I reply.

Kelsey throws her hands up, "Okay, okay, I don't...but...you did sleep with Josh..."

"Yeah..." I start.

"...and that doesn't make you a whore, but it probably wasn't the best idea." Kelsey finishes.

It seems like that always occurs to me after the fact.

"What are you going to do?'  Kelsey is looking at me expectantly and I have no clue how to answer her.

"I don't know...I think I'm still in love with him." I admit.
"And by him...?"

I sigh before admitting, "Josh."

"If that's true Bec, you can't get married today." She tells me the cold, hard truth that I have always known, I just didn't want to admit it.

"I can't just cancel my wedding..." I try one last effort to hold on to my fairy tale wedding.

"Yeah, but Bec, marrying him would be unfair - to you, him, Josh...not to mention Brody.  How much more upheaval does he need?"
"I know, but..."
"But nothing, get in there and call the whole thing off,"

"I really wanted to get married," I tell her.  I can't help but start to cry.  Wonderful.  Now I'm going to have to cancel my wedding with runny makeup.

"You will, but you need to marry the right guy."
"What if Josh never marries me?"
"He will, if he is who you really want, you have to wait for him," Kelsey says.
"Wait for what?  Until I'm an old woman?"
"Well, if it looks like you are going to have to wait that long, just marry a nice gay man and be his beard."

"I hate you, you know that, right?" I ask rhetorically. 

"Nah, you love me," She smiles and hugs me.

I sigh.
"Okay, you're right.  Here I go."

I head inside and run right smack into my mother.  Oh great.

She gives me a big hug, "Honey, I'm so excited for you!  I can't believe my baby girl is getting married!"

"Thanks Mom," Guilt, guilt...ugh...how am I going to do this?

"Where's Lukas?  I need to talk to him." I ask.
"You can talk to him after the wedding," She replies.
"It can't wait," I tell her.

She pulls away from me and glares, "You can talk to him after the wedding and that's it.  Go get in your place." She demands.
"Mom, please, I need to..."

"No, you do what you're told, get in your place and marry this man, or that's it." She threatens.
"What's it?" I ask, shocked.
"I'm done.  I want you to lose my number.  I'm tired of this crap Rebecca.  Your son needs a father that you're married to.  You fucked up when you didn't marry Richard to begin with."

My eyebrows couldn't go any higher.
"Richard was a prick, Mom."
"Who could have provided for you better than any other man could, and you screwed that up royally."

I can't believe the way my mom is talking to me right now.

Hearing all this, my dad comes over.

"What the hell is going on?  Baby, why aren't you ready to get started?" He asks.

"Sam, our daughter is about to make a massive mistake.  Can you please tell her to marry this boy today."
"I just need to talk to Lukas..." I try to defend myself.
"So you can break his poor heart," Mom says, "and where is that going to leave you?  You are going to end up marrying some washed up has-been if you even marry at all and you won't have anyone to take care of you."
"Mom, I don't need anyone to take care of me," I reply weakly.

My dad steps in, "Kyra, stop it.  If she doesn't want to marry this boy, that's her choice."
"Her choice to have a miserable life," she retorts.

Wonderful.  My mom thinks I'm a colossal screw-up.

My dad turns to me, "Do you want to marry Lukas today?"

I start crying, "I don't think so."

He sighs and hugs me before sending me into the dressing room.  I can hear my parents arguing behind me, but I have bigger problems.

I walk in and he knows it's me because he speaks to me, "It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding."

"Lukas, we need to talk," I tell him.
He turns around and looks at me.

He gasps, "You look beautiful...I couldn't have imagined you any prettier..."
"Thank you...but..." I start crying.  I can't help it.
"Baby, what's the matter?" He asks.
"Please stop being nice to me," I manage to get out between sobs.

"I have to tell you something," I get out.

He sighs, "Look, whatever it is, it doesn't matter.  Let's just go and get married, we'll work on it later."

"I can't."

"Why?  Whatever it is, I'll forgive you, we'll get through it, I swear, we have to...let's just go."  He keeps trying to get me out there, but I can't.  I have to do this even though I know it is going to break his heart.

"Lukas, I can't."
"Do you love me?" He asks and looks at me hopefully.

He is looking at me with such hope in his eyes, and I start thinking about it.  I really thought I loved him.  He is so good to me.  He's infinitely patient, kind, and would be a great provider for me and my son.  But I can't get past this one thing.

"I'm sorry, I don't."

His face falls and I think he's trying not to cry.  I hate doing this to him.  As much as I would love being a doctor's wife and having tons of money, that's not the future for me and I know it.  I can't marry him with a lie in my heart.

"Did you ever love me?" He asks.
"I care about you, but I'm just...not...I can't...I won't...I can't marry you knowing that I am never going to be able to love you like you need."

"I can't believe this," he fumes, "what kind of person does this to someone else..on the day of their wedding?"

"I'm sorry, Lukas."  I start, "I wish I could have had it figured out before now."

"I'm sorry..."
"Save it," He pushes past me, "I just want you out of my sight."

He runs outside and gets into the limo that was supposed to drive us to our honeymoon.

I run out behind him and watch him leave.  Well, I guess my life can never be normal.  I would walk out on a perfectly good wedding.

I start heading back when I see my mother, so mad her face is red.

"What in the hell is wrong with you?" She screams, "I hope you're happy, you just completely ruined your life!"

"Stop screaming at me!  Damn, I don't know why you're so angry with me, it's not like I refused to marry you."

She gets silent and looks away from me.
"Why are you insistent on ruining your life?" She asks.

"Mom, I'm not..." I start to argue.
"I can't sit here and watch you,"

My face falls, "What are you talking about?"

"I can't do this anymore, Bec.  You continually ruin your life and I can't just watch it.  It's too much for me, too stressful."

I have never seen my mom like this before, at least not to me, "But...what am I going to do...without you?

"That's for you to figure out," She looks at me, very calmly and I realize where Amy gets it from.  She's really cutting me out of her life.

"I'm sorry Bec, I wish you the best." 

Then she walks off...my mother walks away from me...in one day, I lose a fiance and a mother.

Amy walks over to me and asks, "Baby, what's wrong?"

I lose it at that point, "Mom...*sob*...Lukas...*sob*...really pissed...*sob*...I can't...*sob*

She grabs me and holds me tightly while comforting me, "Shhh, baby, it's okay.  It's okay."

When I pull away from her, she asks me what happened and I tell her.

She is fuming, "And Mom actually said that?"
"Yeah," I reply, tears welling up again.

"Hold on." She tells me.

She runs over to mom before I can stop her and slaps her across the face.

Mom fumes right back, "What is wrong with you?"
"Your daughter, the only one that will put up with your ass is over there bawling because you are being an intolerable bitch, once again.  What the hell is wrong with you?"
"How dare you!" She yells.

Oh, Lord, this is not going to be good.

"You have some kind of nerve," Mom continues.
"Ha!  I do?" Amy laughs, "You're always telling me how selfish I am, it seems like you are more selfish than I could ever be...and you don't even realize it..."
"Hold on there, girly," Mom counters, "just you wait until you raise six children..."
"I have!" Amy screams, "Who do you think takes care of everyone?  Rebecca, Kelsey, Jake, Robbie...if they needed money, an ear, a shoulder to cry one, something to eat, whatever...I always do it!  There's not a fairy godmother that swoops in and takes care of everyone whenever you lose your shit, that would be me."

It's true.  Mom has gone off the deep end a few times and Amy, being the oldest was always there to pick up the pieces...and in truth, I think Mom has always resented her for it.

As much as I would like to stick around for the inevitable beat down, I get in the limo that brought us here and leave, in search of what I have really been looking for all this time.  And I refuse to let it go now.

I see him standing near a gas station, with his broken truck...that always stays broken...and should probably be a warning not to get involved with a person that doesn't even have a working vehicle, but it's too late, I can't reason with my heart.

Josh looks confused, "What are you doing, Bec?  Aren't you supposed to be getting married?"

"I couldn't do it." I tell him.

Whew, breathe.  Here goes nothing.
"Why?" He asks.
"I can't marry a man when I'm in love with another one..." I tell him.

"What?"

I smile, how can he not believe this?  "I'm in love with you, you idiot."

He's silent for a minute, but then he cocks his head and smiles at me.
"What do you say we go home?"