Chapter 66: Should've Known Better

*AMY'S POV*

Time has flown by and Randi is about ready to pop.  She has been doing really well taking all her vitamins and keeping up with her doctor's appointments.

"Oh wow!  Can you believe that kicking?" I ask, feeling her stomach.

She laughs, "I know, you should feel it from this side."

I wish I could, but I am actually surprised that I really don't care how this baby is coming into my life.  I'm just excited that at the end of this, I am finally going to be a mother.

I used to think that I would be devastated if I couldn't carry my own children, but now I realize that however a baby comes into my life, I am going to love it no matter what.

Thankfully, I don't have to wait much longer.  One night while we're sitting at home, Randi tells me her water broke.

I hold Randi's hand as we walk into the hospital and I am with her every second.  I helped her with her breathing, gave her ice chips, rubbed her feet and everything until she was ready to push.

When it was all over, she had given birth to a little boy.

As we head home, she wanted to carry him...and she also wanted to name him Adam.  That was fine with me and it didn't bother me that she wanted to carry him.  She had just given birth to him.

When we get home, Randi goes to bed and I take Adam and care for him.

I know everyone talks about a mother's instinct and how when they carry a baby they learn to love it more than they have ever loved anyone in their lives, but I have realized that we don't have to give birth to our children to love them like that.  I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Adam.  Already...I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's the way I feel.

Even AJ likes the kid.  He's actually surprised me with this whole thing.  As soon as I told him that I was adopting a baby, I expected him to run, but he told me he was up for helping in any way he can.  I guess he gets along with kids more because they share the same mentality.

As soon as I get Adam settled in his swing, I call Zoey.

"How's motherhood going bff?" she asks.

I can't help but beam.  I am actually a mother.  

"Everything is going great," I tell her, "Adam is a really good baby."

"I'm so happy for you.  When are you all going to visit?" she asks.

I laugh, "Whenever his pediatrician clears him to travel.  Why?  Are you anxious to have a screaming baby in your house?"

"Anything would be better than constant boredom," she complains.

I laugh again.

"You know, you could move here," she offers.

"Well, after that winning endorsement..." I joke.

I chat for a little while longer when I hear Randi get up and come downstairs.

She walks over to Adam's swing and plays with him.  I say goodbye to Zoey so I can check on how she's doing.

"Hey, how are you doing?" I ask her.

She shuffles over to me and shrugs, "Okay...I guess..."

Something is on her mind...of course I have read all about postpartum depression and the emotions she's probably going through.  I want to make this as easy as possible for her.

She looks up at me and smiles.

"I've actually got great news," she tells me.

"Oh yeah?" I ask, "What's that?"

"I talked to my mom.  She said I can come home," she says.

I raise my eyebrows, "that's great.  Do you think you're ready?"

"Yeah...she even said she would help me with the baby." she tells me.

I think my heart literally falls out of my chest.

I look at her and ask quietly, "What?"

"Um...yeah, she...uh...wants to help me with Adam." she repeats.

Now my heart is jumping from my stomach to my throat and there's a ringing in my ears accompanied with a roar I can't seem to get rid of.

I try to swallow, but encounter nothing but a dusty, dry lump.

"So...uh..." is all I can manage to get out.

I don't want to push her.  I mean, she is well within her rights.  I haven't officially adopted Adam and she has time to change her mind anyway...and Adam is her son after all.

"Yeah, so...my mom is going to come and pick us up," she is acting entirely too casual about this when I want to start screaming.

"So...you don't need me to adopt him?" I finally ask.

She looks guilty, "I thought about it...and while you've been great and I don't want to hurt anyone...I especially don't want to hurt myself.

I want to scream at her.

I want her to know that it's too late.  I have already fallen completely in love with this little boy and now she's ripping him away from me?  How is that right?

My whole family knows about him...they've sent gifts...they've sent cards.  They planned a baby shower.

Everyone is expecting me to have a son. 

I expected me to have a son.

I look at the swing Zoey sent and think about the other baby furniture people have sent.  What am I going to do with all that stuff?

I sigh.  Even though I'm not going to be using this stuff, that's no reason that Adam should suffer.  I know Randi and her mom don't have much money.

"Why don't you just take his crib...and swing...and high chair..." I ramble.

She looks at me, almost as if she is pitying me.  I can't take it.

"That would be great," she tells me, "we don't have any of that stuff...my mom can pack it all in her truck."

Well, isn't that just great.

So her mother gets here.  She and her new boyfriend load everything into the back of their truck as I silently wonder if the bed of the thing will make it there without falling off.

Her mother is extremely skinny with hardly any teeth, and reeks of cat urine - which I can only assume is from her at-home meth lab.

I stand paralyzed on the sidewalk as they drive away.

Well, I guess that's it.

With the house empty, I am finally able to do exactly what I want to do. 

 Be alone and sob.