Chapter 32: Watch My Heart Break A Little Bit More

*ZOEY'S POV*

Rebecca: Is Amy coming down today?

Kelsey: Probably not...

Zoey: I don't think so...

It's been three weeks.  When we got home from the hospital, Amy took a couple pain pills and went to bed.  I haven't seen her since.  When I wake up in the morning, I see evidence that she's been up - a glass of water in the sink, a saltine cracker wrapper, a Sprite can, but no one saw her.  She purposely gets up when everyone is in bed.  When anyone knocks on her door, she doesn't answer and she keeps it locked.  It's like living with a ghost.

Zoey: I saw that she came down last night...

Rebecca: Yeah...what's up with that crap anyway?  A can of Sprite, water, and saltines?  What kind of mixture is that?

I don't say anything.  All they know is that Brent broke up with her.  They have no idea she was pregnant and that she had a miscarriage, so they have no idea that she has been given pain medication...so they don't have the extra burden of knowing that she is most likely taking pain pills all day and living on Sprite and saltines...I don't want to tell them the truth, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it from them if she doesn't start joining the living again.

Kelsey: What's weird is that the alcohol isn't even gone...why isn't she self-soothing?

Rebecca: I guess depression is keeping her passed out.

Zoey: Yeah, that's probably it.

*AMY'S POV*

I wake up and puke into my trash can...probably for the tenth time...ugh...it happens when I didn't eat enough and I took my pain pills...I'm going to have to make myself eat something besides crackers...but it's the only thing I can stomach.

I haven't been in physical pain for a week now, but every time I wake up I start crying...and I just want to stop...so I turn to the pills the doctor gave me.  They make me feel like I'm sinking into my bed and put me in a euphoric state before making me pass out.

Okay Amy, I tell myself, let's try getting up...partly because I have finished the bottle of pain pills and I can't justify getting more...and also because I'm pretty sure if I don't, Bec, Kels, and Zoey will beat down the door.  I have amazingly been able to avoid them this entire time.

Passing the mirror, I don't even recognize myself.  I have dropped a bunch of weight, but I look mostly sick...okay, time to do something about this.

I take a shower, put on clean clothes, do my makeup, fix my hair...

Not a big improvement, but I look more like me.

Okay, time to get out of here.

I head downstairs with a mission.

Kelsey: Hey...you're finally getting up?

Amy: Yeah...

Kelsey: Are you okay?

Amy: Yeah, fine...

Rebecca: If he can't see how awesome you are, he's not worth it, Sis.

Amy: Yeah, I know...I don't really want to talk about it.
Rebecca: Okay, that's fine.

I try to decide if I want to tell my sisters I was pregnant, or if I want them to continue believing I just got my heart broken by some asshole.

Rebecca: Whatcha' doin, Sis?
Amy: Looking for a new guy.
Kelsey: That's the way to do it...screw him!

I start looking at an old free dating website...actually the same one I originally met Brent on.

I go through the pictures over and over again, thinking I'm finally over Brent...

...until I see his picture...What the hell?

Amy: He's back on here.

Zoey: Who?

Amy: Brent...he's back on this site.

I do some Facebook stalking and find Kahleilah's page (I can't look at his anymore...he blocked me because he's mature).  They broke up...ten days after they got together.

Haha!  I can't help but laugh with sadistic glee.

Kelsey: You're scaring me a little bit right now.

Amy: *Through diabolical laughter* It's the little things I guess.

I honestly can't imagine it happening to a more perfect person...I wonder what happened...

*REBECCA'S POV*

Even though Amy is going through hell right now, my life couldn't be better.  Josh and I are doing really well, my career is awesome, he has taught me so much more on my guitar...

And he totally rocks my world...with and without music in the bedroom every night.

Josh: When I play this song, I think about you...

It's a song about a girl with green eyes of fire...my eyes are green, but they have little flecks of gold in them that look like fire...*sigh*

Brody loves him so much.

Brody: Where's your truck, Josh?

Josh: It's at home, buddy...it's not working.

Brody: Josh's truck broke?  Drive Mummah's car!

Josh: Okay, buddy, will do...how about bed time?

Brody: No!  Brody wanna stay up and play guitar like Josh and Mummah.

Of course my paranoia kicks in sometimes and I hope he's not cheating on me or anything...I love him so much, I think it would kill me if we broke up.

*KELSEY'S POV*

Amy: If nothing else, this is certainly an ego boost.

She has been looking on that website all day...ugh...

Kelsey: Have you found anyone good?
Amy: No, they're all losers...but I can handle being Queen of the Losers for awhile...as long as they adore me.
Kelsey: You are twisted.
Amy: What can I say?  I'm jilted...it makes you do crazy things.

Kelsey: Yeah I hear ya...I miss Josh.
Amy: I will kick your ass if you get back together with him.
Kelsey: I know...it's just...
Amy: What about Sedrick?
Kelsey: He's awesome...but...he's just...so boring.  Every time I get mad at him for something, he quickly apologizes...
Amy: And that's a bad thing?
Kelsey: I don't guess so...I just like guys that put up more of a fight.

Amy: Now who's twisted?
Kelsey: Yeah, yeah...

Meanwhile, I get an offer to dance at The Pool Club after I get off work.  Alcohol and $1,000 for dancing a little?  Yes please!

Then I head over to Sedrick's.  He's still Mr. Perfect...almost too perfect...but I really do care about him.

*ZOEY'S POV*

I wake up the next morning to Rebecca playing her guitar at the end of my bed.

Zoey: What the...?
Rebecca: Wait...before you get mad...
Zoey: Too late.
Rebecca: Listen to this chord Josh just taught me.
Zoey: Did he teach you how to extract that damn thing out of your ass?
Rebecca: *sounds hurt* I thought you would want to hear it.
Zoey: *sigh*

Amy better get back to her old self before these girls drive me crazy.

I get up and see her sitting at the table with a tray of drinks.

Zoey: What are those for?

Amy: Me.

Zoey: All of them?

Amy: Yeah...you can have one...

Zoey: I don't want one...it's 6 am.

Amy: It's 5 o'clock somewhere.

Zoey: It was 5 o'clock an hour ago...5 o'clock in the morning.

Amy: No judgment, right?

Zoey: Amy, I'm not judging you...I'm worried about you...are you still on the pills?
Amy: Am I sitting upright?  No, I ran out...
Zoey: Are you going to tell Rebecca and Kelsey the whole story?
Amy: I don't see why I should...it's not like they can do anything but feel bad about it too...and look at me differently...feel sorry for me...I can't take that.
Zoey: Yeah...but shared sorrow might...
Amy: I don't need to share my sorrow with anyone...it's bad enough I can't get my unborn child out of my head, I don't want everyone else talking about it.
Zoey: Okay...can you at least try to stay off the booze?

Amy: This is just something I'm doing right now...I'll stop eventually.

Zoey: Before it kills you?

Amy: Yes...I'm going to be fine.

Zoey: Okay...what have you got planned today?

Amy: Same thing I have planned every day Pinky...

Zoey: Ha ha...seriously.

Amy: I guess try to do some writing...what about you?

Zoey: I need to run some errands, but they can wait until Bec and Kels get home if you don't want to watch Brody...I know...

Amy: See, that's exactly what I'm talking about...I don't want that...feeling sorry for me because looking at Brody might be too hard...*voice breaks*...because every time I look into his face...*she looks down, voice quiets to a whisper*...I imagine...

Zoey: *sigh* I'm sorry...I've been to hard on you.

Amy: *sniffle* no...you haven't...you're just looking after me, and this is a lot to carry on your shoulders...and I just left you here and disappeared...*sniffle, sniffle*

Zoey: Whoa, it's okay...trust me, I'm fine.  I'm just worried about you.  Maybe I shouldn't leave you with Brody...

Amy: No, go on...I have to get back to normal eventually, right?

Zoey: Are you sure you'll be okay?

(I put this on here mostly because I just love the picture) 

She's silent.

Zoey: Amy?

Amy: Yeah, I'll be okay.

Zoey: Really?

Amy: Yeah, go on.

*AMY'S POV*

Brody is sitting in his high chair with a bottle.  Looking at him makes me wonder what my son would have looked like...I guess maybe it was for the best considering how things were with Brent and me...but...ugh...I can't let myself think about it.  Right now I have to bring myself to pick up my nephew.

He lifts his arms up and I pull him toward me.  Instead of making things worse though, I actually think he makes them better.  It's sort of healing, I guess.

Brody: Sissy doin'?

Amy: Holdin' a sack a' taters.

Brody: *giggles* Nuh-uh Sissy's holdin' Brody.

Amy: Sissy loves you baby.

He talks about himself in the third person and we always wondered why...but then we realize we do it to him all the time.

Either way, I decide right then that I can't let him suffer because I'm sad...as smart as he is, he won't understand why I'm avoiding him...he'll think I don't love him, and I couldn't bear that.

I'm pretty much going to have to suck it up and just get better.